Monday, June 21, 2004

I'm shaken...

On saturday I found out about my neighbour's passing. On sunday I saw an old man with a missing leg, fall down at the tram stop infront of a tram full of people. A young gent tried to help him up but the old man just waved him off and signalled that he was okay. But he sure didn't look it. His face was red. He touched the back of his head to see if it was bleeding and then held his head in his hands. What broke my heart even more was the way he looked at his missing leg,... at his crutches... and then started shaking his head.

I was sitting on tram 86 to get my mop conditoner, travelling around my favourite old Gertrude Street, when I got a shock from the sound of something hitting the ground. I looked toward the street and saw the old man just as he fell to the floor. My heart broke. For the second time in 2 days. I wanted to run down the tram to help him, but he had already waved off the boy. He looked resigned, helpless...

Blossom tried to comfort me. He said maybe the old man was just embarassed. Maybe he doesn't feel helpless or hopeless, like how it seemed. Maybe his ego was just bruised, but otherwise he could really be a strong-willed chap. Afterall, wouldn't anyone be embarassed if they fell down at the tram stop infront of so many people?

I tried to see it that way. But inside I wonder if he goes back to an empty apartment, or if he meets his buddies in the pub every other night. I wonder if he has family or good friends, or is he just waiting for Time? I wonder if his missing leg ignited a fervour and helped him grow stronger, or does he sit alone in the dark at night, maybe crying, maybe feeling useless. I wonder if he remembers the rainbows...

I'm stirred...

My exams have ended. My neuropsych paper today went relatively well despite the ill-planning (I actually thought my paper was tomorrow). I can finally begin on my gaming crusade, saving the world, smiting evil with my cyber fist!

But every now and then thoughts of my neighbour and of the old man still come drifting in silently. I pray that my pessimistic thoughts are just fables in my over-active imagination and neurotic emotions in overdrive. I recall darker times and acknowledge how easy it is to shut yourself from the light.

I wish I really could smite evil with my fists, save the world, bring comfort to those who've forgotten the smell of the wind... Bring back those who are almost lost... like how I was almost lost. I'm so idealistic. Even magnanimously full of shit.

But for now, in my sombre & humbled frame of mind and spirit, I hope that some day I will be able to make a difference,... some way, some how. I was feeling lost just a while ago about where my future seems to be headed, but the past 3 days has shaken me... and stirred me... And I hope I stay humbled a while more so I don't forget about what really matters... so I won't be so quick to say "life sucks!".


Carpe Diem.

black llucii at 6:59:00 pm