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llucii listens to... ::
Suzanne Vega's...
...Caramel
We got a call just now to let 2 police officers up. They wanted access to our floor to ask us some questions.
My neighbour commited suicide.
They said she died on the 16th of June, that Wednesday night. Aaron asked how she died. They said it was better if we didn't know. They asked us if we heard anything that night or the time before. I only remember a heated argument that occurred sometime in March/April, and even then I don't know if it was from her apartment. I know my neighbour had a boyfriend coz I heard them talking and cooking together occassionally. I spoke to her once when she asked me if I had experienced a water shortage too. They were repairing a burst pipe. She said she would call the office branch to check and I thanked her for it. I never spoke to or saw her again.
On Wednesday night I was groaning away at not being able to concentrate on my work. I was giving Aaron tips on Diablo and stuffing my face with toffee to ease the tidbit pangs. All I could think of was whining and snacking. I fell asleep some time in the evening and didn't wake up til the wee hours in the morning to continue my desperate search for tidbits.
My neighbour was a petite Indonesian girl with long black hair. She wore a striped turtle-neck and black jeans when she asked me if I knew anything about the water shortage a few weeks ago. She offered to call the office branch and got a thank-you from me. She never spoke to or saw her tidbit-hogging neighbour again.
On Wednesday night, something must have happened or a long-time burden must have taken its final toll. She decided to call it quits.
I am a psychology student and an aspiring psychologist. I study and read alot about the human psyche: what propells us... what motivates us... what undermines us. Major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, dementia, prosopagnosia...I know them all like the back of my hand. But what really runs through a person's mind during the few moments before they take the last step and bid a final farewell to this life?
There I was snacking, pigging,... ignorant in my sloth. And just behind me, behind the wall on which I was leaning and complaining to Blossom that toffees weren't enough to satisfy my greed, was a girl... lonely, desperate, irreparably anguished, and plagued with the burdens of her existence which were proving too hard to battle. There was a girl who could see no more hope, no more reason, no more sense in fighting.
Just a wall away we were, yet a world apart. Was there anything I could have done? If I had stayed awake, if I had kept quiet, might I have heard some whimper or cry for help?
So many what-ifs and maybes are running through my head now. I cannot help but feel somehow guilty. I should have remained quiet, doing my work and I might have heard something, and I might have been able to do something. I should have taken some effort in getting to know my neighbours better. I should have heard something... I should have heard something. I should have been able to do something. I was just a wall away afterall...
I feel regretful, I feel responsible somehow and I feel sorry. I never knew her but maybe I could have. A chord has been struck deep within and its resounding disconcerts me. For me, just one more toffee left... For her, nothing more.
May you find peace now, that you couldn't find in this life
May the demons that plagued you, plague you no more.
I pray to God that He will shine His light on you
And forever reside in His warm embrace
A solace at last
Everlasting.
black llucii at 5:50:00 pm
My neighbour commited suicide.
They said she died on the 16th of June, that Wednesday night. Aaron asked how she died. They said it was better if we didn't know. They asked us if we heard anything that night or the time before. I only remember a heated argument that occurred sometime in March/April, and even then I don't know if it was from her apartment. I know my neighbour had a boyfriend coz I heard them talking and cooking together occassionally. I spoke to her once when she asked me if I had experienced a water shortage too. They were repairing a burst pipe. She said she would call the office branch to check and I thanked her for it. I never spoke to or saw her again.
On Wednesday night I was groaning away at not being able to concentrate on my work. I was giving Aaron tips on Diablo and stuffing my face with toffee to ease the tidbit pangs. All I could think of was whining and snacking. I fell asleep some time in the evening and didn't wake up til the wee hours in the morning to continue my desperate search for tidbits.
My neighbour was a petite Indonesian girl with long black hair. She wore a striped turtle-neck and black jeans when she asked me if I knew anything about the water shortage a few weeks ago. She offered to call the office branch and got a thank-you from me. She never spoke to or saw her tidbit-hogging neighbour again.
On Wednesday night, something must have happened or a long-time burden must have taken its final toll. She decided to call it quits.
I am a psychology student and an aspiring psychologist. I study and read alot about the human psyche: what propells us... what motivates us... what undermines us. Major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, dementia, prosopagnosia...I know them all like the back of my hand. But what really runs through a person's mind during the few moments before they take the last step and bid a final farewell to this life?
There I was snacking, pigging,... ignorant in my sloth. And just behind me, behind the wall on which I was leaning and complaining to Blossom that toffees weren't enough to satisfy my greed, was a girl... lonely, desperate, irreparably anguished, and plagued with the burdens of her existence which were proving too hard to battle. There was a girl who could see no more hope, no more reason, no more sense in fighting.
Just a wall away we were, yet a world apart. Was there anything I could have done? If I had stayed awake, if I had kept quiet, might I have heard some whimper or cry for help?
So many what-ifs and maybes are running through my head now. I cannot help but feel somehow guilty. I should have remained quiet, doing my work and I might have heard something, and I might have been able to do something. I should have taken some effort in getting to know my neighbours better. I should have heard something... I should have heard something. I should have been able to do something. I was just a wall away afterall...
I feel regretful, I feel responsible somehow and I feel sorry. I never knew her but maybe I could have. A chord has been struck deep within and its resounding disconcerts me. For me, just one more toffee left... For her, nothing more.
May you find peace now, that you couldn't find in this life
May the demons that plagued you, plague you no more.
I pray to God that He will shine His light on you
And forever reside in His warm embrace
A solace at last
Everlasting.
black llucii at 5:50:00 pm
drooling...
aching for life...
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